10 BDSM Myths
Ten BDSM Myths
What comes to mind when you hear BDSM? Leather, cuffs, gags, pain, and danger? Thanks to Hollywood and pop culture, the world has a limited, often stereotypical view of BDSM and kink.
BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism. Though the media’s depiction of BDSM is usually dark, scary, and filled with misconceptions, it can be quite different in reality. For instance, the belief that those who engage in BDSM are freaks is nothing but a myth.
No matter what you might have heard, BDSM is a potentially rewarding and exciting sexual dynamic between consenting adults. Here are 10 myths about BDSM:
Myth 1: It’s all about pain
Pain is not a prerequisite for engaging in BDSM. Some people enjoy play that incorporates pain, but not everyone into BDSM is into pain. In fact, many in the BDSM community do not. Pain is complex, even for masochists, and there’s no general application. Those who do incorporate pain into their BDSM encounters may do so because they enjoy the way it feels, others may enjoy trying to endure something to please their partner - or they enjoy the way they feel after. (Like those of us who suffer through a workout for the glowy feelings we get once the sweating is done.)
BDSM can be practiced with little pain or none at all. For instance, sensory deprivation like a blindfold and a feather stroke does not involve pain. So if you have BDSM kink, don’t let the pain myth stop you.
Myth 2: BDSM always involves penetrative sex
BDSM can be the entire sexual act, or you can retain the experience in your memory for self-pleasure. BDSM usually (not always, but usually!) involves some sort of power exchange. This does not have to involve one partner penetrating another - it can be something as simple as words exchanged that are meaningful to both partners. For example, if one partner says to another, "You must ask my permission before you do anything today,” can make a simple thing like making coffee into a sexually tense scene.
Is there more to BDSM than sex? The answer is yes. BDSM explores other sexual experiences such as mental stimulation, power dynamics, control, and sensation plays.
Myth 3: BDSM requires expensive toys
Movies and shows do an excellent job of making it seem like these things are necessary, but they are not. None of them is required to play BDSM. Toys are fun. But lots of things can be used as toys.
Hands and belts can be used for spanking or any safe instrument with a flat side (Doms, always check your gear on yourself first before using it on your submissive). For bondage, bedsheets, scarves and ties will get the job done. What turns you into a dominant or submissive has nothing to do with toys. It’s about action and words.
Myth 4: BDSM and love are mutually exclusive
This myth is more like a general assumption that seems logical. People assume such “violence” can/should only occur between people who are not emotionally involved. That is as far from the truth as the sky is far from earth. In fact, BDSM thrives when it is done with someone you love and trust as it strengthens your sexual connection.
Myth 5: BDSM is not for feminists
Feminism and female submissiveness are two ideologies that seem irreconcilable when, in fact, they are not. Feminism is about giving all people the power of choice and not being forced to conform to a patriarchal system. Choosing to submit can actually be a very powerful and self-actualizing moment for many people - feminists included. The important thing to remember is that BDSM requires consent and negotiation - you and your partner(s) set the parameters for your play, and that’s what matters.
Myth 6: Submissives are submissive in ‘the real world’
Personality does not determine the part a person plays in BDSM. Submissives don’t have a particular personality type that makes them suitable as submissives. You can be dominant in other areas of life and willingly choose to be submissive when it comes to BDSM. There’s no fun in being a certain person all the time. In the same vein, you don’t have to be submissive to every dominant. Your power of choice comes into play here. Some people who take the lead in their everyday life, and are the boss - they enjoy shaking that off and letting go in the bedroom.
Myth 7: Dominant and submissive is ‘always-on’
This is not always true. Although some people have adopted a full-time lifestyle of D/s, many more have non-BDSM relationships and then participate in scenes where power is exchanged. BDSM focuses on that power exchange within certain limits, including time. It could be for an hour or a week, depending on what was agreed. So if you want to experiment with taking charge or being submissive - it’s not forever, you’re not signing up for a 24/7 play session. It’s up to you!
Myth 8: Only women are the submissives
BDSM roles can be played by anyone regardless of gender. There are males who enjoy being submissive as much as there are females who enjoy being dominant. The submissive role depends on your kink and desire to serve a dominant.
Myth 9: BDSM is abuse
One major factor negates this myth. Consent. BDSM is not spontaneous. Participants must have agreed on what’s allowed and what is beyond their definition of fun. Permission must be explicit and repeated more than twice. When the parties agree and the action takes place within the bounds of what they agreed, then there is no abuse. Studies have found that BDSM practitioners have healthier relationships and fewer mental health issues.
Myth 10: Sadists and masochists
The myth here is that submissives are masochists and dominants are sadists. This myth categorizes BDSM players into people who love to receive pain and people who love to inflict pain. However, this is not true. You don’t have to be a sadist to be dominant, and you don’t have to be a masochist to be submissive. As stated above, pain is not a constant in BDSM. You can be a submissive who enjoys administering pain, or a dominant who likes receiving pain.
Conclusion
If you have a kink, the most important thing is consent. Get consent as many times as is necessary. Once you have consent, don't let anything stop you from having fun.
