Paper Cuffs & Consent

So, you and a partner want to try something new, something sexy, something spicy – maybe even dangerous. That’s great! Exploring new ideas together can be a great way to get to know a partner or to bring fresh heat to a marriage. Whether you’re new to one another or have been together for decades, BDSM – a collection of acronyms referring to bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism – can offer new arenas for connection for any pair.

Since the 2011 publication of E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey, and the 2015 film, the popularity of BDSM in mainstream culture has exploded – but many couples don’t know how to bring elements of BDSM into the bedroom in a meaningful, sexy and safe way. There’s more to BDSM than blindfolds and pricey gear. In fact, the primary element of BDSM costs nothing and is the most rewarding sexually and emotionally – trust.

A common principle of BDSM is power exchange. This means one partner grants power to another, whether that is in a physical way such as bondage, or an emotional way such as following orders. This can be in a dominant-submissive role play or relationship, or take other forms. But in order to have this power exchange take place, there must be communication, negotiation and most importantly, enthusiastic consent.

Enthusiastic Consent

Consent is vital for every sexual encounter. Asking ‘Is this OK?’ or ‘Can I touch you here?’ are simple ways to achieve consent between two people in a sexual situation. Even for couples who have been together for a long time, consent is part of sexual encounters, though it can be less explicit when a pair knows each other better - perhaps it is something as subtle as an eyebrow quirk, wearing a certain perfume or sending an emoji.

This now-classic video about tea demonstrates how important consent is. Enthusiastic consent is even more vocal, clear and positive than simple consent. As author Jaclyn Friedman writes, 

Enthusiastic consent is an ongoing state, not a yes/no lightswitch. It requires sexual partners to be in ongoing communication with each other. It does not mean that you have to get a signed contract to touch my right breast. It does mean that you have to pay attention to whether or not I’m into it as you move your hand toward my right breast, and that if you can’t tell, you have to ask.

If you want your partner to dominate you (or if you would like to dominate your partner), it’s important to communicate before engaging in desired acts. What do you mean by dominate? What does that include? What does it not include?

Researchers have found that sexual partners who practice BDSM communicate more effectively about consent than those who don’t. This is because in order to give up power, sexual partners typically discuss how this power exchange will work, for what duration of time, with what restrictions (usually called limits), and how each person will know that the other person is still engaged. 

So, let’s say you start these conversations with your partner. You decide on some things you both want to happen, things you don’t want to happen - how can you do a trial run to understand how this enthusiastic consent works in practice?

Enter: The Paper Cuff Game

Stoney Baloney (@brickdaddythicc on TikTok) suggested this brilliant exercise for beginners looking to explore a bondage or power exchange kink: the paper cuff game. It requires a few pieces of paper and a stapler. That’s it. 

Make paper cuffs and staple them together on the submissives' wrists. Engage in a short scene, after you have established a safe word. If at any time the cuffs are broken, then the scene ends and aftercare begins. 

The goal of this very simple exercise is to demonstrate how much power the submissive has in this situation - there is no power exchange unless power is granted to the dominant by the submissive. This is enthusiastic consent - the submissive is actively granting power to the dominant. The exercise can show each partner how the mechanics of enthusiastic consent work - how to communicate and what to do if a scene needs to end. 

Starting with something simple like the paper cuff game is a safe way to play with power exchange before moving on to other forms of bondage which may require more skill and trust. Building up trust and good communication practices before piling on the leather restraints is a great way to begin this new adventure together.