Five Questions to Ask Each Other Before Trying BDSM

Society doesn’t do the best job of offering examples of healthy BDSM relationships. Many examples have consent issues, such as 50 Shades of Gray or Secretary. These two movies make BDSM look exciting, but do not showcase the level of consent, self-awareness, and trust needed to have a BDSM relationship. BDSM requires good communication and a bit of self-awareness. Before engaging in a BDSM relationship, it is worth asking yourself and your partner several important questions.

What are my/your hard limits?

Never engage in BDSM activities without knowing your partner’s hard limits. Hard limits are non-negotiable activities that should not be brought up, no matter what happens in a scene. You should also establish a safe word, or use the stop-light system. This is where yellow = slow down, red = stop. If a partner says yellow, this means slow down and or discuss the activity before moving forward. If a partner calls “red” you stop that activity. Then, in a debrief, you can ask if that activity is a new hard limit, or if the stopping was just situational. 

How do I/you want to feel?

Often, when engaging in questions of BDSM, the conversation stops after “what are my hard limits”. It is certainly vital to know someone’s hard limits, and it is useful to give a list of things that you want, but unless you’re very creative, this list will undoubtedly leave off certain activities. After clarifying hard “nos”, try asking yourself or your partner “how do you/I want to feel?” This will then color the interactions that you want. Telling a partner, or partners that you want to feel degraded, scared, empowered, worshipped, etc, is more instructive and allows room for creativity, rather than having to stick to a pre-determined limit. If spanking is on the table, what is the goal of the spanking?

Do I/you have any physical/psychological triggers to be aware of? 

It’s important to be aware of your own physical and mental health before engaging in BDSM. BDSM can include activities that might injure you. Always ask a partner, and discuss with a partner what activities should be approached with caution. Ask about disabilities, physical limitations, and triggers.

What do we do if something goes wrong?

BDSM can sometimes be dangerous. It is useful to discuss what type of health insurance you have, what hospital you’d like to go to, and or who to call in a psychological emergency. It is also useful to know how to comfort someone suffering from PTSD or a panic attack.

What are your safer sex practices?

This goes for all sexual interactions, but you should always know the STI status of a play partner, and how often they are tested. The more we talk about STI and safer sex, the more people will be willing to share! Here’s a slide show that is a good primer on safer sex practices written by a polyamorous person and includes links and additional information that can help your BDSM relationship thrive.

Asking these questions will help ensure a fun and safe BDSM experiment. It is VITAL that you have these convos BEFORE the scene takes place, ideally when you are not turned on and hot and bothered.

Often, when we are turned on, we are not going to think logically about what we want. Our hormones and endorphins might say yes to an activity that we otherwise might find objectionable. In other words, when we’re horny, we’re not the best judges of our own desires. Have the conversation outside of any sexual context, and it will allow you to freely consent to an incredible BDSM adventure.