Tis the Season - for Awkward Questions

Whatever happened to that Brian you were seeing? He was very polite. And handsome. And he had that great job, right? You’re not together still? Tsk. What a shame.

Ah, the holidays. Time for awkward first meetings between your partner and your parents, endless questions about how ‘serious’ things are, and even probing discussions about your ex. Even if it’s not a first-time meeting, there might still be questions like “So, when are you getting married?” or if you are married, “When are you going to have children?”

This is all part of the relationship escalator. 

The Relationship Escalator

The ‘Relationship Escalator’ is a central part of the idea of monogamy. The term was coined in 2012 by Amy Gahran in her book Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator. The relationship escalator is what Gahran calls a ‘social script’   -    a way of understanding social relationships. Basically, the idea of the relationship escalator is that all relationships have a set endpoint (typically marriage or long-term monogamy). And that if your relationship isn’t progressing up this escalator toward that goal, then it isn't ‘working.’

The amount of pressure this puts on individuals and relationships can be huge. When we’re young we might feel worried things are moving ‘too fast’ and that we’re not ready to ‘settle down’. If we’re older, there may be a ton of pressure to find out ‘where this is going’ very early on in a relationship. It’s not wrong to think about or wonder about these things, it’s just worth recognizing that we are socialized to evaluate every relationship in these very specific terms - is it escalating to that happy ending. 

Most of us can think of someone we know who went up the relationship escalator with someone and upon arrival realized they weren’t happy, or that the fairy tale wasn’t quite what they expected. Some couples don’t know how to relate to one another except through this idea of ‘progressing’ and ‘the next step’ (whether that is living together, getting engaged, buying a house, having a baby). For some, the question of how they relate to their partner and the health of the relationship, is put off until the ride on the escalator is complete - leaving them stranded at the top, wondering why they don’t feel happy.

Step off that escalator...

We don’t have to think about relationships this way. Even if we are interested in monogamy, in marriage and in a more conventional relationship, we should stop and ask ourselves whether we are pushing an unhappy or unhealthy relationship to the ‘next step’ because that is what society, or our family, or even we expect of it. Take the escalator out of the equation for a moment, and evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship as it is, not as you imagine it will be in the future. 

To explore erotic audios and be inspired, get our app.